it's weighing on my mind...

Okay, I didn't say everything that was on my mind on the last post because I had already rambled enough, so here goes...

Have I ever told you that I HATE CANCER?? Especially childhood cancer! Kids should not have to go through what cancer makes them go through. And it's really not just cancer, it's anything that makes a child suffer. It's just heartbreaking. I read a lot of carepage/caringbridge stories and this past couple of weeks many of the families I follow have been devastated by more bad news. One boy, Luke, is going through cancer a 3rd time, this time with no idea what more they can do. Elliott, he reminds me so much of my brother, is in a medically induced coma to try and let his body heal from many things, some caused from previous cancer treatment. Meaghan, also in an induced coma, has endured this for 7+ years; she recently faced a new cancer diagnosis while she was being treated for a different cancer. She got great news that her bone marrow was 100% donor and within a week or two is now in the ICU fighting for her life. JP doesn't have cancer, but he has spent months and months on end in the hospital fighting. There are so many others that are unsure of what their futures will bring, whether they are waiting for test results or just living the "after cancer life" like we are. There are many more who now count the days since they have physically seen or held their child...I can't imagine that.

I am so glad Kaidan is still here, I feel blessed and lucky...sometimes I think I even feel a little bit of survivors guilt. We do still have daily reminders of what we have been through...daily reminders of how quickly things can change. Kaidan's stomach issues are bad, and I cannot seem to get the thoughts out of my head that it's more than what we are finding right now. We have no idea what problems may arise in the future because of the poisons we pumped into her little body.

It's a daily struggle to remember to enjoy the moment and to stay positive. We do our best to be thankful for everything we have, but I'm not going to lie, there are times when I am not thankful. I am angry that this is what our life has become, that I have a habit of putting my hand on Kaidan's forehead checking for a fever, that I can't sleep because my mind can't shut off the "what ifs". I'm mad that Nate has had to juggle work/home/hospital time for the last 3 years. I'm angry that Kaidan has had to do things that no one should ever have to do, that she has bravery beyond her years. I'm angry that she gets completely wiped out, just from shopping or playing for half an hour. I'm angry that Preslee has witnessed all of it, I'm sad that she has grown up too fast, not because she wanted to, but because she had to. I'm sad that she has had to take on more responsibility than most 13 year olds have. I'm sad that our boys know what puke buckets are for, that they don't think it's weird to throw up all the time or to always feel sick. I'm angry that to them it's normal to have to go to doctors and hospitals on a weekly basis. I'm angry that we can't breathe because of the financial toll illness puts on a family....

I guess maybe I'm a bit more angry than even I realized, but there are still things that I am thankful for. I am thankful that Nate and I have a strong enough marriage to get through everything we've been through. I'm thankful that Preslee is an amazing daughter, that she has handled everything with grace and that she loves life. I'm thankful that the boys are normal (at least I think they are normal), that we were able to keep some consistency in their lives and that they love their sisters dearly. I'm thankful that both Nate and I have jobs that are understanding and flexible. I am glad that we have health insurance...I think...even though it's expensive. I'm thankful that Kaidan is sassy, brave, strong, and feisty. I am thankful that she has the most positive attitude and that she has not let cancer define who she is.

Since Kaidan's diagnosis I have wanted to raise awareness, but the past couple of weeks it seems to be all I can think about. Unfortunately, I don't know how to do that and I have a full plate already with just trying to keep a house clean and taking care of the kids. So, I can only do small things now, but one day...one day I will do something BIG!!

Please support childhood cancer research. Please visit my sisters blog www.crochetforcancer.blogspot.com . Please visit other website links I have on this page. Please donate blood and sign up to be a bone marrow donor. Every little bit of awareness helps...you can get car magnets from Candlelighters, you can help spread the word. September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, we need that to make the news! Betty Crocker is doing their Stirring Up Wishes campaign again to support Make a Wish, please support them by purchasing their products and visiting their website to find out more www.stirringupwishes.com .

If you read to this point, thanks for listening to me whine. I've found it is very therapeutic to vent, even if it's just to a computer screen. We so appreciate all the support and love that we have been given, thank you!