Tuesday, October 5, 2010

oh my gosh, what if...

Today has been a rough day for me...really rough...an on the edge, ready to cry day. For those of you who know me, that's a pretty bad day. I don't cry very often at all.

Here's the story...

Cash has been complaining of leg pain since early last week. The first day was pretty bad, he wouldn't hardly walk. But, as time went on, he seemed better - only complaining periodically. By Friday he was still complaining off and on and Nate thought I should take him to the doctor. (Secretly I felt that way since the first day, but I really have been trying to minimize my thoughts when they start with "oh my gosh, what if...") Anyway, I decided we'd get through the weekend and see how he did. By Monday he was still complaining, so today I called and made him an appointment. I felt somewhat stupid because he is still playing and running around and it's really just sporadically that he complains. But, there I was, sitting in the doctor's office as she's checking him out - I'm telling her how dumb I feel. Then she asks him if his throat hurts...he says no. She tells me his lymph nodes are swollen. I am not kidding - my heart hit the floor. Suddenly my mind is RACING - swollen lymph nodes, random leg pain, more tired than usual, random nausea...

You see where I'm coming from, especially if you are part of the cancer world, right? I was freaking out inside. She ran a strep test and I was praying for it to be positive, but...NO. So she says we really need to have his hips xrayed, just to make sure...and I may as well get some blood tests done while I'm up there, you know, just to make sure...

Well, here we are at the end of the day, not all of his labs are back, but his CBC is and it's normal. His xray was fine. I do have to say that Cash was so brave! He did not want to get his blood drawn, but when it came time to do it he was such a strong, little man! Not a single tear! (is that how you spell tear? it looks weird) Anyway, the rest of the lab results should be back by tomorrow or Thursday, but so far so good! I cannot even explain the relief I am feeling right now; oh wait, now he's telling us his back hurts...real bad, and his leg is still bugging him, and his glands are still swollen! (This is where I let out a HUGE sigh....) I am so done with this being my life. I want aches and pains to be growing pains, I want a cold to be a cold, a bloody nose to be because it was picked, an extra nap to be because of a long day of playing, I want a fever to be a simple virus, a stomach ache to be because you ate your dessert too fast; you get the picture. But that will never be our life again. I try, I really do. We minimize most of the complaints that our kids give, because they usually are all those "normal" things, but in the back of our minds there is always that voice saying "oh my gosh, what if...."

The day wasn't all bad, we did get to go to the pumpkin patch with my grandma and some cousins after we were done at the hospital - that was fun, even though the trip started with Kaidan in the outhouse, crying that she just wanted to go home because her stomach pain was absolutely unbearable, but after a few minutes she felt better. (Here is another HUGE sigh...)

So, a good ending to a bad day.... I am thankful for that, so I'll stop complaining now :)
I really am grateful for all the good things, but I am going to be honest, there are days I wish so much that this wasn't our lot in life. I would love to be "normal", but I'm pretty sure I'm slightly psychotic and I think I'm going to blame childhood cancer for that.

4 comments:

Amanda said...

I starting bawling the second I read LEG PAIN! I can't imagine the rock you must have in your stomach. I am so grateful that so far things look good, but what is going on...
Poor Kaidan, I love her. She is such a sweet, beautiful, young woman and she doesn't deserve any of this. Cancer Sucks!
I do pretty well most of the time, but I have had a hard weekend myself. I almost had a HUGE breakdown at target on Saturday. It was everything I could do to control myself and not throw a bottle of applesauce across the store. REALLY.
Please let me help. I know you have surgery and I want to bring dinner. You were suppose to tell me a day...
email me! amandaflamm@hotmail

Chelsea said...

OK.. have to say you did an amazing job staying calm! I would have FLIPPED out! I already stay awake half the night thinking about "what if" Caden gets cancer, "what if" Cami's relapses, "what if" she gets a fever in the middle of the night and I dont catch it till morning (8 hours later). I mean the list goes on and on. I think we are all left a little psychotic after knowing what those little complaints can REALLY be. It can be terrifying to say the least. I am sorry you had a bad day. We have all been there-- my only difference is Im a baby and I cry ALL the time. One thing thing that this has all done is made you someone who many of us "cancer mommies" look up to and can come to with questions. I will be forever grateful to have you and Kaidan in our lives. You have touched many! Ill be thinking and praying that your surgery goes well. XOXOX

dlkenney said...

Oh my goodness girl, you deserve to break down and cry every once in awhile. You said you admire how strong and amazing I am, I don't know how you do it I think you are the amazing one. Good Luck with surgery and we will be praying that all the labs come back normal and they are just crazy growing pains. Just something positive, not all swollen lymph nodes are bad, I have had them on and off my whole life.... Happy Halloween if I don't talk to you before that.

Jenni Cooper said...

Oh my goodness, you are a very strong woman. I have a feeling that for the rest of all of our lives we're going to be in constant worry about all of our children. How can we not? And I'm sure we all wonder how we didnt before, I know I do. How a fever didnt keep you up all night or how you sit and contimplate how they got that bruise...the list goes on and on. Thank you for sharing this story it made me cry sad tears, then happy ones. I'm so glad it was nothing! Good luck with your surgery, hope to see you soon!